is NOT the weight I lost. The weight we talked about still hangs over me like a noose around my neck that I try every day to loosen- to find the keys to free myself from- but like the locks on a prison cell- still keep me from being totally free.
The weight we talked about made me feel like I was of little or no value unless I was thin. It made me feel like my worth as a woman only came from being beautiful and being beautiful equaled being skinny enough on someone’s scale- and since I was not skinny enough- therefore I could not be beautiful and therefore I could not have much worth and I believe “WE” talked about the fact that I might never meet a nice man if I did not loose THIS weight.
The weight we talked about stalks me, just when I think it is gone- and it comes back again strong and sure to make me feel small, worthless and insecure….
The weight we talked about I wish had never been discussed- so I could be free of it! Never to have let it arrest my development and make me insecure. Freedom I have yet to fully find- but am chipping away at those prison doors every day to be free of the curse your words put on me when “we” talked about my weight.
The weight I DID loose? That was my own. Hard fought with enduring strength that I found from within to change my life! NOT because I needed to be more beautiful- I AM beautiful. I have always been beautiful. Thick, beautiful, healthy, secure, confident and BIG! It is who I was- and will always have as part of me. It was good and it was enough! I needed to know THAT before I could take this journey. I found that in me, despite what others may have said or thought about the topic.
The weight I DID loose? It is in my knees- so I can wear my 4 inch heels and feel sexy as hell… whether you think I am or not (it’s the same reason we wear matching bras and panties even if men cannot see them- it gives us power and strength in femal form- something you try to but will never understand.)
The weight I DID loose? That is being able to fly 14 hours in a plane without my ankles swelling up and being able to buckle my seatbelt comfortably so I can enjoy the adventures my life was always meant to have….
The weight I DID loose? It is being able to spend a summer day outdoors with my nephew and not have to go inside because the heat is bothering me! It is quality time with my family and friends.
The weight I DID loose? It is Blood Pressure Meds and Acid Reflux pills. It is a guaranteed longer life of health and knowing I will not have heart problems or health related issues due to my weight.
The weight I DID loose? Is being able to healthily have a baby when I want to and am good and ready!
The wight I DID loose? It has the added benefit that some people see me as cuter- or more beautiful. PERK for the fact that it opens my field of available applicants to date- but trust me when I tell you- I knew men when I was over 300 lbs who liked me, loved me even; for not only my body but for the person I am within. Those are the men I want in my life… if you like me now because I am thin? You are suspect. There needs to be more- much more to sustain a level of trust that you will need to have to be with me.
The weight I DID loose? Makes me physically stronger- My legs are powerful- they can take me over 40 miles on a vacation of walking. My arms push me through the water with long strokes and keep me balanced on dry land. My stomach is firming up and helps my core and back to give me great posture. My feet are always cute with their pedicure and cute shoes (some things don’t change- at 300 or 200 lbs!)
The weight I DID loose? Does not change my smile- I use it to greet life full on. My eyes are still as green as ever- and light up when I laugh and tear up when I am sad. I am still the same girl who wears her heart on her sleeve- is easily moved- and sometimes even though I act tough- even more easily hurt. Life has not been easy- and I endure…
The weight I DID loose only makes me stronger- a survivor… MORE me.. not less.
*this is in response to a private conversation or rather series of conversations with a person of great influence in my life- the topic recently came up… and obviously I had strong feelings about it. I would have responded in private- I have no idea if this person will see this or not- it doesn’t matter- but so many of you have told me that my story has helped you along your own journey- and this has been on my heart since the conversation came up… I was pretty upset about it… so I figured this was something all of you might want to or even NEED to hear as well!
Be strong! You are who you are- you are NOT the sum total of what someone ELSE thinks you should look like. You are good, kind, loving, strong, and BEAUTIFUL no matter how much you weigh- do NOT let other people take that from you and try to define who or what you should be because of what they think you should look like. YOU can decide to take the journey to health and strength- do it because YOU want to- not because someone else tells you that you will be prettier- or a man might never love you if you don’t. THOSE are the bad hoobie joobies that other people put on you that it takes years and years sometimes to release and be free from. Start now! Be free! I know I intend to!!
LOVE YA GIRLS!!!!
Wow…not sure who you were talking to but honestly…I wouldn't allow someone that superficial to influence my life in any way. You are a beautiful person inside and out at any weight La and I have NEVER considered your weight as a factor in our friendship or my love for you.Shame on the person who did…they are not worthy of your friendship.
I love every single word you wrote, but this was the paragraph that really struck a chord with me. Amen!
I agree with HH … shame on the person, or any person, who suggests that your weight has any relation whatsoever to your worth. You are one of the most loving, beautiful people I've ever met and nothing on the exterior can either brighten or cloud that. I love you!!
"The weight I DID loose? It has the added benefit that some people see me as cuter- or more beautiful. PERK for the fact that it opens my field of available applicants to date- but trust me when I tell you- I knew men when I was over 300 lbs who liked me, loved me even; for not only my body but for the person I am within. Those are the men I want in my life… if you like me now because I am thin? You are suspect. There needs to be more- much more to sustain a level of trust that you will need to have to be with me."
Love you hunny!
La, I love you! Thank you for being so honest and up front about your thoughts and feelings as you go through this transformation. You've helped me in so many ways as I go through mine! Hugs:)
You know La, I read your posts and see a beautiful, strong woman. Thank you for sharing this post with us. I am sure that whomever it was aimed at is not the only one who will benefit from your words.
interesting….very interesting. Having walked that block so many years ago. I don't think weight has anything to do with the voices in our head. I think the voices in our have have much to do with weight.
Clouds are those sorrows, sufferings, or providences in our lives that seem to dispute our understanding of the Lord. It is not true to say that God wants to, "teach" us something in our trials, but He rather wants us to, "unlearn" something in order to simplify and purify our faith and vision of Him. We are not a mystery to Him, but He is a mystery to us. How else could He hide from us in plain view? Oswald Cambers
Unlearn the voices that degrade you. Despite your weight etc. If we are listening to negative voices we are listening to the father of lies.
He Loves You. He adores You. Regardless. I love your heart. I loved this post.
Love ya La!!
Great words – Hugs, M
I can't tell you enough how proud and honor I am to call you my dear beloved friend. You have ALWAYS inspired me in so many ways, when you were 300 pounds and now, you skinny little self! Your smile, the happiness in your eyes, you are an amazing and wonderful person and I love you dearly!!!! Miss you much girl!!!!