this hotel I stay in when I travel here to Rochester, NY. I love the people, the amenities , everything… EXCEPT the floor to ceiling mirrors that cover the closet doors off to the side of the bed!! SERIOUSLY!!
I have to look at myself when I am sitting in bed watching TV… and ok… let’s speak plainly… I know I am not the tiniest woman… but 90% of the time I do a really good job of loving who I am… loving my curves, loving my cleavage, loving who I am on the outside even as I work to change it for my health….
Then there are the days I sit in this hotel, in jammies, no make-up, hair flopped from the shower and I see that “FAT GIRL” in the mirror… and I hear my Dad’s voice telling me “you are a beautiful person… on the INSIDE.” and how when I replied that I wanted a man who would love me for me said “well I am not that man”… or my former pastor who told me that I would “never meet a man who would want to be with me if I didn’t loose some weight” (Boy- I would hate to admit how many men I have in my life right now who would LOVE to get in my pants! LOL But THAT is for another blog!
I NEED to fight those voices, fight the pain that hearing them again brings to my heart, fight the fear that I will never be as healthy or let’s admit- as CUTE as I want to be… that I am doomed … and ya know what? I CAN! I WILL FIGHT! THEY are wrong. They might be the men I had most respected in life… but they are just men… they hurt me, but people make mistakes and I AM fabulous and gorgeous… even if I am the big girl!
I did not post this to get sympathy or anything… just to remind myself… who I WAS, where I have come from and how far I have come… even if I still have a ways to go!
La-
I really love your honesty and your self actualization. We all have it, but we don't vocalize it as well. I'm not a big fan of mirrors either.
Oh and those guys who didnt' say very nice things… screw 'em (figuratively, of course – they don't deserve you for real). You rock La!
I saw a pic of myself yesterday, and MAN am I fat!!!
Dad and Pastor are not doctors. They do not understand the hormones or the edocrine system. That is why I love the motto our doctor now has: "Your fat, but it is not your fault." So many ppl think fat is only caused by overeating and laziness. Nothing could be farther from the truth. You can't get down on your self bc our genetic make-up is prone to breaking down our endocrine system and causing us uncontrolable fat.
Keep on the medicine. Eat sensable foods. Exersize. And pray for a cure.
I haven't cheated on my diet in 3 weeks and I am exersize'n every day – yet my size and weight have not moved. sigh – I am hungry – I am tired
hang in there – I am right here with you.
Yes to all the J said…..
I used to be skinny…..I am always startled when I realize that fat person in the mirror is me. In my mental image of myself, I am still 23 years old and 112#….I WILL NEVER BE 23 YEARS OLD AGAIN OR 112#. A hard thing to face….Love you dolly.